I'M A KINDLE AUTHOR!!!

I've published a book of short fiction on Amazon's Kindle store.

Find it HERE -- Just $4.99 USD

Friday, December 11, 2009

"Nomenplasty" - NOW IT CAN BE TOLD!

"Nomenplasty" - plastic surgery of a name (a word I invented)

nomen - name, esp.in ancient Rome, the second name

plasty - the process of shaping and forming, often surgically, ie., plastic surgery

OK, here's the big news.... I'm changing my name for publishing purposes. Or more accurately, reshaping my name. Instead of "First, Initial, Last"--still my legal signature--I have started submitting with "First, Great-grandma's Maiden Name, Last" and asking that I be published under that name.

Below are the reason for the change, and for that specific change.

1. There is another writer named Marcia Woodard.
2. "Marcia Woodard" (to me, anyway) always seems kind of flat, de-fizzed.
3. There are no males in my dad's line to carry on any part of the family name.
4. "Marcia Whittum Woodard" acts like a tongue-twister when you try to say it.
5. "Gunnett" was my paternal grandpa's mother's maiden name.
6. I like the sound of the new name—the way it feels coming out of my mouth.

So, my new name (but only in the publishing world) is:

Marcia Gunnett Woodard

Watch for it!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Hey! I have breath!!

"Let everything that has breath, praise the Lord!"

I'm giving thanks to God, because 8 months ago TODAY, I not only
survived open-heart surgery, my heart was repaired so it works
correctly for the first time in...maybe forever (nobody's sure)!
Anyone who knows the Doxology, please sing it today on my behalf
(as well as your own).

Friday, November 13, 2009

For Those Who Must Say Goodbye

No heart can ever tell the cost of each farewell—
One circle fades, another to be born.
Though sadness dims our eyes, what joy will then arise,
When we meet on that Resurrection Morn.
Our earthly trials and fears, our days of lonely tears
Will vanish in that Home beyond the stars.
And then, as one, how sweet to worship at the feet
Of Christ, who bears our healing in His scars.
We’ll ever sing His praise, who guided all our ways,
And anxious hearts will rest, no more to roam.
So let us watch and pray, as we live ev’ry day,
And each one serve Him ‘til He calls us Home.

© 2009, Marcia Woodard

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I Write Because I Must

Words call me. They lure me back—to the computer keyboard, the book, the legal pad, the Scrabble board, the crossword puzzle.

They disturb my sleep, keeping me up 'til dawn, waking me before first light. They buzz around my head like mosquitoes on a summer night: humming and whining, until I finally swat them and leave their carcasses on paper. Then at last, I can get some rest, until the next crop hatches and begins their annoying, seductive song—keening in my ears as they dance around my head.

Why do I write? I write for my own peace of mind, for my own sanity. I write because I must.

Monday, July 20, 2009

This Just In....

Hi! Just wanted to let everyone know that I saw my neuro today. MRIs and MRAs show no sign of any episode. No stroke. No TIA. Nothing. It doesn't fit any description of any particular thing, so the assumption is that it was some kind of a fluke, possibly connected with a weird, atypical, painless migraine.

Soooo, I'm off the blood thinner. I'm allowed to drive again. Yay, God!

Friday, July 10, 2009

A Friend Will Lend You A Cup Of Laughter

Laughter shared by a friend....


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS FEEL GUILTY ABOUT INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS DO ABOUT ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Diem Interruptus

Have you ever been busy, going about your life, only to have it interrupted by...well...life? Diem interruptus! (interrupted day)

So there I was, sorting laundry, when I began to develop a visual aura. For those of you who've never had the "pleasure," an aura (for me anyway) is like that annoying little spot you get after someone takes a flash picture of you. An aura, however, can be any size or shape, can take up residence anywhere in your field of vision, and can last as long as it jolly well pleases. Also, my auras have always been translucent. What ever was being blocked by the aura was still visible, although less so.

This aura, though, was different. It developed quickly, and grew. And grew. And grew. To give you an idea....

Me: Lloyd, I’m getting a major aura.

Lloyd: What? (already, the aura has taken over about 50% of my right eye’s vision)

Me: I’ve got a really bad aura. (I realize aura is opaque)

Lloyd: How bad? (by now, the aura has almost completely blocked the vision in my right eye)

Me: I can hardly see anything!

Lloyd: Really? (vision in my right eye is totally gone)

Me: Lloyd! I have no vision in my right eye!

That really is how quickly it happened, in just the small amount of time it took to have that conversation. Ten minutes later, vision began to return. An hour or so after onset, my vision had cleared.

Long story short, I went to ER. Bloodwork (again), EKG (again), CT of head (again). Conclusion: I probably had a TIA or an optic artery spasm--possibly in connection with an atypical migraine--which temporarily created a crucial drop in blood flow to the eye.

Next Thursday, I’m scheduled for an MRI of my brain, which will look at the blood vessels there. The Monday after that, I follow up with my neurologist.

Outcomes:

What exactly happened? They don’t know.

What triggered the episode? They don’t know.

Will it happen again? They don’t know.

Am I allowed to drive? NO.

How long will the driving ban last? Who knows.

So, Dear Reader, before you face your diem interruptus.... Carpe diem! Celebrate the sunset. Memorize your lover’s face, your child’s face, your dog’s face. Study the way a rose’s petals snuggle around each other. Drink it all in.

Because you never know....